Start working on your vows – now!
How to Write Your Wedding Vows (Without Stressing Out)
By J Costello Wedding Officiants
If the idea of writing your own wedding vows makes you both excited and slightly panicked—you’re not alone. As a wedding officiant, I’ve seen couples light up when they hear their partner’s vows… and I’ve also seen the last-minute scrambles and writer’s block that can come with trying to find “the perfect words.” If I’m being completely honest, when my husband and I were married almost 20 years ago, we didn’t write our own vows. I was too nervous about being able to find the perfect words and then sharing them in front of hundreds of people. It is completely normal to stress!
Here’s the good news: your vows don’t have to be perfect—they just have to be you.
Below are some helpful tips to get you started and keep the process heartfelt, meaningful, and totally manageable.
1. Start Early (Like… Now)
Even if your wedding is months away, start jotting down ideas. Open a note on your phone and capture little things as they come to you: memories, inside jokes, small moments that felt big, things you love about your partner. You’ll collect a treasure trove of real, heartfelt material to pull from when it’s time to write your vows. It’ll also feel less stressful than trying to remember everything you love and appreciate about your spouse the week (or day – eeek!) of your wedding!
2. Remember the Heart of Vows
Your vows are promises. Yes, they can be poetic or funny, but at their core, they’re the words that say, “Here’s how I choose you, today and always.” Try to include:
- What you love about your partner
- What you admire about your relationship
- A few promises (serious, sweet, or even a little silly) – yes, you can promise to scoop the cat litter even when it’s not your turn or share those fries even when your partner said they didn’t want any!
- Hopes for your future together
3. Use Your Own Voice
You don’t have to sound like a poet. Speak from the heart, in a way that feels natural to you. Some people are short and sweet, others go full-on romantic. I even had a groom rap his vows a few years ago – from memory – woah! Either way, if your partner hears your voice in the vows, you’ve done it right.
4. Keep It Balanced
Talk to your partner (or your officiant!) about how long you want your vows to be. You don’t need to match word-for-word, but aiming for a similar tone or length helps keep things feeling balanced during the ceremony.
5. Write, Then Edit
Start with a messy draft—just get it all out. Then step away. Come back later and shape it into a final version. Reading it out loud to yourself can help you smooth out any awkward spots and make sure it flows.
6. Invest in Vow Books
You’ve invested into an amazing photographer and possibly a videographer. Invest in vow books to read out of – they will look much nicer in your photos than trying to read off your phone or scrap paper. They’re also a beautiful keepsake you’ll have for years to come.
7. Don’t Forget to Enjoy It
Yes, your vows are important—but they’re also personal and beautiful. You’re sharing a piece of your heart with someone you love in front of the people who love you most. That’s something to savor—not stress over.
Need a little help?
I’m always happy to help guide couples through writing (or refining) their vows. Reach out—let’s make it special.
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J Costello Wedding Officiants
Crafting ceremonies that feel real, personal, and true to you.
